"O that you may have grace to plead with God, as though you pleaded for your very life" -C.H. Spurgeon

need

"if I look at someone and see my own sin, my need, my frustration, because I have identified my need in theirs, then I have no stones to throw." -John Fischer

"unhappy"

"The great thing with unhappy times is to take them bit by bit, hour by hour, like an illness. It is seldom the present, the exact present, that is unbearable." -C.S. Lewis

five years

today I was reminded of my life. it is a strange thing to be reminded of something as it happens, as though you were not aware of it.

anyway, I was reminded of the "five year plan"

if anyone who knew me five years ago and were trying to hold me accountable to that plan, they would find that I have fallen completely off course and failed

failed to my plan

a promise needed

"I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security" Jeremiah 33:6

happiness

I'm going to give you a back story-

the lyrics to this song, and the title, are taken from a poem by Edwin Arlington Robinson. I remember reading the poem, probably in eleventh grade, and thoroughly enjoying it. (when I think about whether or not the term "enjoy" is appropriate, I decide that that is just what I'm going to use. I apologize if I cannot express myself any better than that.) Anyway, at the time that I read the poem I made the immediate connection with a Pearl Jam song that closely mirrored the thought behind Robinson's words. All of these writings are about perception and reality, and our perception of happiness...

Richard Cory by Paul Simon

They say that Richard Cory owns one half of this whole town With political connections to spread his wealth around Born into society, a banker's only child He had everything a man could want: power, grace, and style

But I work in his factory And I curse the life I'm living And I curse my poverty And I wish that I could be Oh I wish that I could be Oh I wish that I could be Richard Cory

The papers print his picture almost everywhere he goes Richard Cory at the opera, Richard Cory at a show And the rumor of his parties and the orgies on his yacht! Oh he surely must be happy with everything he's got

But I, I work in his factory And I curse the life I'm living And I curse my poverty And I wish that I could be Oh I wish that I could be Oh I wish that I could be Richard Cory

He freely gave to charity, he had the common touch And they were grateful for his patronage and they thanked him very much So my mind was filled with wonder when the evening headlines read: "Richard Cory went home last night and put a bullet through his head"

But I, I work in his factory And I curse the life I'm living And I curse my poverty And I wish that I could be Oh I wish that I could be Oh I wish that I could be Richard Cory

and so I'll give you the poem-

Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson

Whenever Richard Cory went down town, We people on the pavement looked at him: He was a gentleman from sole to crown, Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed, And he was always human when he talked; But still he fluttered pulses when he said, "Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king - And admirably schooled in every grace; In fine we thought that he was everything To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light, And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, Went home and put a bullet through his head.

and I will give you the lyrics to the Pearl Jam song-

Soon Forget by Eddie Vedder

Sorry is the fool who trades his soul for a corvette. Thinks he'll get the girl he'll only get the mechanic. What's missing? He's living a day he'll soon forget.

That's one more time around. The sun is going down. The moon is out but he's drunk and shouting. Putting people down. He's pissing. He's living a day he'll soon forget.

Counts his money every morning. The only thing that keeps him horny. Locked in a giant house that's alarming. The townsfolk they all laugh.

Sorry is the fool who trades his love for hi-rise rent. Seem the more you make equals the loneliness you get. And it's fitting. He's barley living a day he'll soon forget.

That's one more time around and there is not a sound. He's lying dead clutching Benjamins. Never put the money down. He's stiffening. We're all whistling a man we'll soon forget.

my own confession

"This year, or this month, or, more likely, this very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the kind of behaviour we expect from other people" -C.S. Lewis

a blessing

"Long life to you! Good health to you and your household! And good health to all that is yours!" I Samuel 25:6

willing

"Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." I Peter 5:2-3

voice

"....the sheep hear his voice... they recognize his voice. They won't follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don't recognize his voice." John 10:2-5

I want to know His voice.

I want to read it in the scriptures and hear in my prayers.

I'd love to see it in the lives of those around me, Christians

first I need to listen

me

"I firmly believe that I didn't need anyone but me, I sincerely thought I was so complete, Look how wrong you can be"

-Rod Stewart

vain

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Philippians 2:3

child

"An infant is as truly a child of its parents as is the full-grown man." -Spurgeon

this has meant something to me when I think of my heavenly Father, as I am an adopted child, no longer an orphan

and though I feel young and immature, I am no less His son

for my sake

"what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." II Corinthians 2:10–11

the greater work

"Prayer does not equip us for greater works— prayer is the greater work." -Oswald Chambers

kneeling

"A concentrated mind and a sitting body make for better prayer than a kneeling body and a mind half asleep." -C.S. Lewis

great loneliness

"Lord God of this great night, do You see the woods? Do You hear the rumor of their loneliness?" -Thomas Merton

a unique claim

THAT THE INNER TRUTH OF MAN AND OF HUMAN EXISTANCE IS REVEALED IN A CERTAIN KIND OF EVENT. THIS EVENT HAS THE NATURE OF KAIROS, CRISIS OR JUDGMENT. CHALLENGED BY A DIRECT HISTORICAL INTERVENTION OF GOD (WHICH MAY BE DOUBTFUL AND OBSCURE BUT IS NONE THE LESS DECISIVE), MAN CAN RESPOND WITH THE ENGAGEMENT OF HIS DEEPEST FREEDOM, OR HE CAN EVADE THE ENCOUNTER BY VARIOUS SPECIOUS EXCUSES. IF THE ENCOUNTER IS EVADED, MAN'S FREEDOM IS NOT VINDICATED BUT IS MORTGAGED AND FORFEITED. (But the confrontation can be renewed in other circumstances. One may get another chance!) WHEN THE ENCOUNTER IS REAL AND COMPLETE, A NEW KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS ESTABLISHED BETWEEN OUR OWN FREEDOM AND THAT ULTIMATE FREEDOM AND SPIRIT: THE GOD WHO IS LOVE AND WHO IS ALSO THE "LORD OF HISTORY." AT THE SAME TIME A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER MEN COMES INTO BEING: INSTEAD OF LIVING FOR OURSELVES, WE LIVE FOR THEM. IDEALLY SPEAKING, IF WE ALL LIVED IN THIS KIND OF ALTRUISTIC CONCERN AND ENGAGEMENT, HUMAN HISTORY WOULD CULMINATE IN AN EPIPHANY OF GOD IN MAN. MANKIND WOULD VISIBLY BE "CHRIST."

-Thomas Merton

"always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have" 1 Peter 3:15

love again

okay, here's something that just seems to keep... surfacing

loving people that you do not like

it seems like I am totally okay with disliking certain people,

but everything I've heard lately has been that true love must love the unloveable, it is a natural... what am I trying to say?

all right, here goes (and this is for me)-

Philemon 1:7-21

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints.

Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love. I then, as Paul—an old man and now also a prisoner of Christ Jesus— I appeal to you for my son Onesimus, who became my son while I was in chains. Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me.

I am sending him—who is my very heart—back to you. I would have liked to keep him with me so that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains for the gospel. But I did not want to do anything without your consent, so that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced. Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good— no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord.

So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back—not to mention that you owe me your very self. I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ. Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask.

temptation

"Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is." -C.S. Lewis

October 10th 2005

"don't bend, don't break

show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake

'cause love can help me know my name"

-Seal

...just lyrics to a song that was playin' in my head, who know's where Seal stands but I find them interesting when thinking of my God. His love

cold Philadelphia

I know now that I cannot find the same simple writing comforts so readily accessible in Dallas. Though I really enjoy Philadelphia, I have not been able to find that place where I speak so freely as chance has given me in Dallas. So I offer you a selection from a man I admire and respect, whose writings I find to be quite wonderful and this particular quote most closely echos a recent thought process of mine-

"It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hearafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbor. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbour's glory should be laid on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken." -C.S. Lewis

10-08-05

this is just a place holder.

I'm out of town and my minds not necessarily working.

I'll fill this "place" with something different when I think of something-

hopefully better

(also if you have any thoughts you'd like to "post" by way of commenting... go right ahead)

something I wrote

http://dallastwenty.blogspot.com/2005/10/holy.html

continued...

but why are relationships so hard?

(I'm certain this is not the only response to this question, but a valid one nonetheless)

because we are seeking approval. we are seeking affection. we are seeking that something that cannot come from within but must be given from another. and where did this begin?

when God created man, he was born with a constant need for a relationship with his Creator. there are words that will only suffice when spoken by our great God.

when God created man, He knew that we would need the love of another... someone loves the term "skin" ...but it's true, we were originally made with a distinct desire for companionship. to go a step further without getting too far off track, a man for a woman

anyway, remember the thought process I talked about before? ...you guessed it, it's the very same that causes me to seek those things found only in a relationship with God... to seek them out in my relationships with people.

now I believe the inverse is true as well. it is difficult to find what we as "humans" can offer, in God. therefor Eve. we all need our Eve, granted I'd say the need for God is greater...

Eve can save me from this present life, but Christ will save me for eternity

(yes, there's more but I've just got to go now... airplanes, sheesh)

(also it's fairly obvious that I'm "pre-dating?" this... I have no idea if I will be able to "reach" a computer over the next couple of days)

last night

DISCLAIMER: raw, expect this to be raw... sorta straight from my head to the keyboard, no filtering

all right, so I was talking with my roommate last night about "relationships" or "the great abyss that swallows us all without reason or understanding" and I believe we can all agree that "relationships are difficult" but why is that?

here's what I said-

we're human. we're finite. we live in a body made of flesh and blood that is here today and will die tomorrow. we have a spirit that was created for eternity, that will live on into eternity.

the problem seems obvious, the survival rate for everyone is zero, and this knowledge will always be on the forefront of our minds. after all, don't most of our thoughts occur in that fleshy ball of tissue called our brain? it will always be a struggle for us to think in terms of eternity, to live with forever on our mind

personally I feel blessed to have that moment of clarity when I can look past this body of mine and see the great creation of God, heaven and hell, and all that will be after this life is gone

...but I'm here, now -and it's that thought process that gets me stuck thinking on me. I will do things to please myself, I will find ways to boost my confidence and don't think that you all aren't pawns in my ego's game. I'm very self-centered. and I've got it all figured out, I can seek things of this world for instant gratification. now I know that everything I'll find will eventually pass... someone loves the term "ephemeral" ...but that doesn't matter for the "now" does it?

the world was created by an eternal God. there is so much more I should say about Him but... well, I just need to make that another blog, right? ....anyway, God offers me a joy that will last forever, joy that is greater than happiness... and He promises me peace. but I just can't seem to think about "forever" and "eternity" because I'm hurting so much from what happened an hour ago, so I'll need to find another fix

I guess you could say that God is the cure for the eternal soul in a dying body

(this isn't the end, I just need to get back to work...)

my heart will tear and bleed that it might grow

love

"the entire law is summed up in a single command: 'love your neighbor as yourself.'" Galatians 5:14

notes:

He is gracious enough to give me a way out.

He has placed warning signs along my path.

No temptation is too great for what God has enabled me to do,

for who God has made me

who He is making me.

and yet I have drifted

I will drift

still the Lord declares-

"I love you"

weather

aren't old people supposed to talk about the weather?

and yet

don't you find yourself always wanting to talk about the weather

and there isn't any regularity to the tone (possibly because we live in Texas)

one day we will sing it's praises, the next we will curse it

ah the weather

thankful I am for the weather

lots of times it reminds me of God

the weather reminds me how small I am

and it reminds me of my complete and utter lack of control

"Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought to bring up a matter in the presence of God. For God is in heaven and you are on the earth; therefore let your words be few." Ecclesiastes 5:2